an After abortion

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Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Resigning from the debating society

Typically superb blogging over at The S.I.C.L.E. Cell, today about media bias in reporting the proposed PBA ban.

S.I.C.L.E. , in the title of that blog, stands for Self-Imposed Child Loss Experience. The blog-mistress is Ashli, who had an abortion at 14 weeks due to severe maternal disease.

Film director Spike Lee, among others, has examined the phenomena of African-Americans judging themselves and others based on being more or less light-skinned.

There's a similar thing that goes on sometimes with post-abortive women, where we judge ourselves against others who also had abortions. It's not healthy. Imagine me listening to someone tell her abortion story. Let's say that she was sixteen, was raped, her mother melted down into hysterical uselessness and her dad told her she was out on the street unless she aborted it. One of my first reactions to that story is, "She is a paragon of purity compared to me. She actually had a good reason."

I know it's not healthy and it doesn't respect the work that God has done in my life. Still, I occasionally find myself looking at Ashli and thinking, "At least she HAD a reason."

I recognize these reactions as IMs from my bad old days, when I would sit, day in and day out, and try to justify my decision to myself. Well, I would tell myself, here's one good reason I had. And here's another one.

The funny thing is, even on a day when I could make up five good reasons I had and truly believe in them...I never felt one stitch better. I still felt empty. There was a little crab biting away at my peace of mind, a bite here, a bite there, with his sharp crab claws, and he did not go away when I sat down with my list of Five Good Reasons.

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