an After abortion

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CALL 1-888-510-BABY or click on the picture on the left, if you gave birth or are about to and can't care for your baby, to give your baby to a worker at a nearby hospital (some states also include police stations or fire stations), NO QUESTIONS ASKED. YOU WON'T GET IN ANY TROUBLE or even have to tell your name; Safehaven people will help the baby be adopted and cared for.

Monday, May 23, 2005

An email I received over the weekend, reprinted with permission:

I love your blog. The work that you are doing is important. I'm writing because discovering your blog awakened in me a deep call to repentance. It has been full of grief, and shame, and mercy. I feel like I want to do something to help women in my position, and I think your website is pointing me in the right direction. So, first of all, thank you.

I have not had an abortion, but I have taken the "morning after pill" twice. I did so as a Christian in full knowledge of what I was doing. While I did not know whether there was life inside of me, my intention towards potential life was murderous. While I don't know whether or not I killed my child or children, I am a woman who wanted to murder her babies.

The first time was in my first sexual relationship, which came at a very late age. I had always planned to wait, but when I turned 25, I couldn't wait anymore, and I decided to go for it. The condom broke, and I'll never forget the look on his face and the way that he said, "You have to do something." I knew what he meant. It's like I went on autopilot. I went to work the next morning, and called Planned
Parenthood. I used to do walk-a-thons for a crisis pregnancy center. I hated abortion. I believed that life began at conception. But I picked up the phone, made the call, picked up the pills (within 72 hours), and took them. I felt like I was killing myself when I did it. I knew it was wrong, but it was like I was powerless to stop myself. I stayed with him for another year and a half. Just tonight, clicking through one of your links, I made another connection that terrified and disgusted me- just a few weeks after this incident, it was Halloween. I went as the "prom queen," complete with a naked baby doll that I would abuse, for "comic" effect. It's so horrifying to see the depths of my depravity, especially because I was always the good girl, the virgin, the church girl, the babysitter, the one you could trust.

The second time came just 4 weeks after breaking up with this guy, and I had a one night stand with a guy I picked up at a bar. I was so drunk and so much in denial of what I was actually doing that I don't even know what really happened. All I know is that we had sex and I found an unopened condom on the floor of my bedroom the next day. I knew what to do. It was easier this time.

I haven't seen anything on your site about this particular issue. I feel like I don't entirely have a right to feel traumatized, because I didn't go through an actual abortion, but I feel something. I feel sad, and guilty, and not worthy to be a mother, something that I've wanted to be since as long as I can remember. I know that I've been forgiven- and not just as the "get-out-of-jail-free" card that I tried to play both times. I just wish there was a way that I could help women avoid doing what I've done. Because when you know what you might have done it's unbearable. And not knowing for sure, not being able to know if there was life that you did kill, it can drive you crazy.

I know that my Redeemer lives and that He died and rose again to forgive all of my sins, even these sins that feel unforgiveable. I want to do whatever I can to see that other women in my position don't have to feel what I feel today. I want to make my repentance an act of service.

Anyway, I guess I'm writing to say thanks, and to ask if you could address this particular issue, or point to some websites or resources that do, and ways that I could get involved. It's so evil, all of it, and women are suffering. I hate it so much.

Be of stout heart, and fight the good fight.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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