Another letter, from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous, about the children she aborted.
Dearest Father,As invited in this post on "returning to our roots".
The pain I once thought had softened, has perplexingly returned! Not a type of "haunting" Lord, but an objective view from a different angle. Its restoration has sparked renewed visions of my children that hold your hand in Heaven. My thoughts now different regarding the innocent lives I took so that my own life could proceed. I stopped their little hearts from beating, so that my heart would continue to feed my body and soul. Little did I know then, that my actions would actually end up leaving permanent indentations.
The sparkle in my babies eyes is extinguished! Their precious feet don't know the ocean waves or the sand beneath them. Their tiny hands have never touched paint or pudding... or softly brushed the skin on my cheek. Their angelic faces have never witnessed the wind, the snow, or the rain. I have never rocked them to sleep, or sung them a lullaby. They don't know their brother or their cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles! YOU had plan for these children Lord, and somehow I felt qualified to STOP those plans! How devastating that thought now is to me! The blessings that I take so much for granted will never be offered to them... and for that I am eternally sinful. How self-seeking of me Lord! Oh Father, I am so sorry I let you down. I am so sorry that I let your/our children down. I am sorry that I was so self-absorbed to see that you might have given them to me for a reason. Maybe you trusted me enough to raise them to walk in your light. Maybe you knew I might be the perfect "mom" just for them. Of course....you just knew!
Oh Father, how I ache for my mistake. How my heart hurts for my children in Heaven. How I long to RE-live the last 23 years, so that I could be the mother YOU wanted me to be... and guide the children you bequest to my care. What a difference my life would be! What did you plan for them dear Father? Was one to find the cure of some disease, or the birth of some great invention? Was one of them supposed to be President and lead us to a world of peace? Would one such child of mine find the way to stop the useless act of abortion itself? Has my termination of their lives affected the world in ways I never thought possible?! Only You know the answer to my questions Lord.
I know that you have forgiven me Father, I feel your acceptance every time my heart beats for them. I know that you held my hand even as I underwent the "procedures" themselves. I know that you were with me Lord, even when I was betraying you the most. And for that I am on my knees. I think that sometimes the thought of you there with me, is even harder than the knowledge of the act itself. How it must have felt for you to stand with me, hold my hand and personally carry your/our children home to Heaven! God, I apologize for not being more sensitive to YOU! I am sorry that I didn't believe in You yet, and wasn't walking with you at those key moments in my life. If I had, maybe my children would be with me today!
Please know Lord that I am grateful that you didn't leave me to undergo such a heart wrenching decision, and act, by myself. Thank you for carrying me through the entrance to the clinic, the years in between and eventually my exit into Heaven. My life changed the minute I laid on that table.... It has never been the same. I couldn't have made it this far without You.
Please take me and use me for your good Lord! You brought me here for a reason, I know Father. I have heard you speak to my heart regarding the other woman who even contemplate this act. I want to touch each of them as You guide me to share your miracle of creation. I promise I'll speak your heart Lord, and give to them what no one else gave me..... The truth, ALL the choices and the knowledge of your truest gift.....Life!
And Lord, if it's not too late to ask, please continue to love our babies until I get there. I so want to hold their hands and rock them to sleep. I want to talk with them and tell them all about their incredible brother. I want them to know that I think of them often, and that their brother is a LARGE part of my heart. He is my reason for living and breathing dear Father..... But you already know that.....Just as you know each hair on his head.. and the plans you have for him! Thank you Lord so much for sending my beloved son to me.... you know how much I love him Lord.... As much as you love your Christ Child!
Thank you Lord for bringing me to the place I am today. Thank you for allowing me to hold my children, even if only in heart and soul. Thank you for your compassion Father.....for your unconditional love and forgiveness. I will try harder EACH DAY to be more like you. I'm a work in progress Lord, so I know you'll be patient. Please help me grow and flourish in this ministry of "life".. And to be the child you created me to be.
Eternally yours, Father,
If anyone's interested in how we can "come to this place" about their abortions, it's through the confidential abortion recovery services of nationwide groups like Rachel's Vineyard and Abortion Recovery International Network. They're just a phone call or email away...