Just discovered a beautiful blog by a beautiful writer/artist: FREYAVISION, in particular that post, but all of them.

Freya commented on our blog here, about what haunts her and so many of us:

30 years after the fact i wake up and greet a new day with sunlit greens and bird song - and then the joy screeches to a halt when i remember i killed my child. willfully. selfishly. i went through PATH - ive done everything i can (intellectually) to move past it. but i never really will. and not because i want children. just cause i blocked life. and now everything bad that happens to me i accept cause i sure have it coming. i never even saw a picture or video or anything at the abortionists office. not blaming -just saying had even one kind person stepped in with a counterpoint to easy street i might have saved a life. make that two lives.

i wrote about it on my blog hidden in a pastiche of english/dutch - if not for art and writing i would have checked out of this world emotionally.

thank you for this site. God bless all of you.
freya

freya, welcome, and thank you for talking about this here. (For those who don't know, PATH stands for Post Abortion Treatment & Healing). What country are you located in (if not the US, that is), perhaps we could share a link with readers to that PATH group in your area, wherever that is...

Your writing is exactly what one of your commenters said, "What gorgeous writing and style. . .chilling and beautiful."

a blame have to be laid somewhere. the pup is lost and the stag get away. i go to the place where i bury all the swords and dig them up. one wont be nearly enough. i lay among them until sleep begin to fall over me. the dark bring a vision of a bloem that was given to me. i press it between some pages, it mean so much i want to save it. but it was so fragile. wondhen i opened that book again they fall into the sneeuw and was lost forever just like the pup. but i fall asleep even so, for there is a goodness and beauty to the truth that the stag does live tonight.

Not sure what the last line means, but my first thought was "the stag lives on in the pup, even though the pup is gone."

And in this post:

I see man has pride in grown an ear on the back of a mouse. and seek also to clone hond and food animal! is there no end to what horrors by man who think he is a God can do? glory for maak creatures of nightmare? what maak people think they can live always? that they are entitled to have replacement parts? does man not know that parts will break down and bring the end to you? that is the order of nature! also, what world does creature of science inhabit? do a clone know it is a clone? what sad exist befall a creature with no true beginning! and no place to be with others. isolation and many sorrows is the fate of the Creature.

it is a boschian hell we enter all of us together.

Freya, you are making something beautiful come out of your pain and grief, and without even knowing it, helping others by your poetry and art to find their own ways to admit they feel as you do about their abortions. You are blessed for this, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it...

I wonder if there might be some value in another postabortion healing kind of group, like Rachel's Vineyard or one of those...the list by worldwide location is here.

So very many of us have felt that "we have all bad things coming to us", but I do know that sometimes we can come to stop feeling this way. We never stop grieving, never stop regretting, but we can stop feeling as though we deserve all bad things. Don't know if Freya's religious but even if not, I know Rachel's Vineyard has helped even atheistic women feel they could at least get past being so interminably hard on themselves.

I know I speak for a lot of our readers who, once they read your words, Freya, are as glad as I am that you haven't checked out of this world emotionally. I'm glad to know you, Freya. Hang in there.